Small Rooms 1999

Act 1: The Usual Suspects

Marty and Elaine. Once a favourite lounge act in the 60's, now find themsleves at the Brookside Manor to engage in a little tete 'a tete avec la chien noir, as we say in the business. Admission is free and so is the love with these two swingers so throw away your reality cheques 'cause they're bound to bounce when you hang with these nymphs.

Sonny and Cher. While religated to the L.A. 'c' list for most of the 80's, this duo re-united to attend the event. Sonny entertained the troops with his snappy patter and even sang some old favourites while Cher kept showing everyone her ass. The real buzz started when it was realised that Sonny had been dead for almost two years!
Senator and Mrs. Ted Kennedy. Known affectionately by their friends as "That drunk and his mixed up wife", this couple were known to darken many a soiree at the Brookside Manor. Senator Kennedy started early and managed to get into the nail-polish remover by the end of the night while his wife impressed the crowd with her imitations of Jimmy Swaggart.
Donald and Ivona Trump. Although these two tabloid sweethearts have been separated for the last few years, they managed to put aside their differences for the sake of a good party. Ivona drank two bottles of Maria Christina and admitted to spiking Donald's drinks all night with salt petre in an attempt to chemically castrate the billionaire. When I ask Donald what he thought of this prank all he said was "what the f&*k?". Good times man, good times.
Tito Puente and "some broad from the hotel lobby".Tito showed up early and tickled the crowd with some jazz standards while chugging a beer. Later in the evening, Tito was heard stumbling down the front stairs screaming, "where does a latin jazz great like myself score some smack in this town?". Tito's date was amazed to learn her impromptu escort was a famous person, she remarked "I only agreed to go with him because I thought I could roll him for his shoes".
Quentin Tarantino and Governor General Adrienne Clarkson. This unlikely pair ended up sharing a cab from Pearson and started a close friendship. Quentin was heard commenting that the Governor General was not as "square" as other women governors in the states. Commenting on Ms. Clarkson Tarantino said "Ya she's pretty laid back not like that Christie Whitman chick from New Jersey, man's she's a bitch". When asked about what she thought of Mr. Tarantino Ms. Clarkson replied, "He's a dink".
Red Green and Picabo Street. While not officially dating, funnyman Red Green and U.S. downhill skiier Picabo Street showed up together and were inseparable all night. Red explained why a sedentary 40-something with bad hair and piles was dating a 180 lb, muscle-bound olympic athelete. "It's mainly for the profile but she also makes a wicked merange pie". Picabo said, "Red makes me laugh, between sets I think of him, and I laugh. Laughter is good I think, 'cause I think about laughter and I think how funny laughter is and that's good..."
Daniel Richler and Courtney Love. "Daniel and I met at the MTV movie awards and I'm just a sucker for a Montreal Jew. When I got my invite to SR99, I thought nothing would be better than to be in the company of this piece of Canadian beef". "I find Courtney the most disturbing woman I have ever met. One time, at an autograph session, I saw her take a small kitten from a young girl waiting to get an autograph, and pretend to drop-kick it like a football. She laughed and told everyone that she loved cats. As you probably surmised, the only reason I'm with her is that I know it will really piss-off my father."
Al Waxman and Carole Pope. Yes folks, the King of Kensington and the lead singer of Rough Trade made an appearance on their way back from Roy Thompson after the gala opening of their co-production, "Degrassi High School Confidential". Pat Mastroianni returns in the role of Joey while Waxman plays the school's gay hockey coach. Carole does the music while the rest of the members of Rough Trade fill in the supporting Degrassi roles of "Snake", "Wheels", "Spike" and "Yick Yu".
Larry and Kimberly Dewswipe. This couple are acutally the next door neighbours and were only invited as part of a court ordered settlement. The settlement is in response to a 1997 noise complaint where a couple of inebriated guests of a previous party mistook Larry's house for a Tim Hortons drive-thru and proceeded to bang on their window at 3 am demanding "two double-doubles and a cruller". Just for the sake of justice we told them that SR99 was a retro 80s party so their both wore matching pink polo shirts. Sweet.
Salman Rushdie and the girl he wasn't with. MI-5 has asked me to read the following statement. "Salman Rushdie was not at SR99. Neither was the girl pictured to the right standing in front of the house at SR99. Even if Mr. Rushdie was at SR99 he wasn't and statements to the contrary would be counter-misleading. Editor's Note: Salman drinks 50 and that girl that wasn't here ended up going home with Tito Puente
Atom Egoyan and Susan Powter. Atom, an almost staple at the Brookside Manor shindigs, returns again with none other than late-night fitness freak, Susan Powter. I thought Atom had really lost it this time when he confessed to me that he was merely doing research for his next film about the free-wheeling subculture behind infomercials. We both laughed when I said I thought she was here as his date and then we grinned and spat in her drink. The party-goers later amused themsleves by getting Susan really drunk and having her to play "monkey-in-the-middle" with a bag of pork rinds.
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